These are some frequently asked questions, and some frequently given answers to go along:
Q:
Can
I ask you a question?
A: Yes.
Q:
So, where is The Hotel Café?
A: 1623 1/2 N. Cahuenga Blvd. In Hollywood. 1/2 a block south
of Hollywood Blvd on the West side of the street.
Q:
What time do you open?
A: 630pm most nights. Check calendar.
Q:
Is The Hotel Café still an all ages venue?
A: No. We are now 21+.
Q:
Since you're not an all ages venue anymore, should i call or email to ask if the show is all ages?
A: No.
Q:
But I have a friend/cousin/brother/niece/girl that babysits for me/grandfather/doula/merch seller that will be 21 in two weeks.
A: Really you have a doula that is under 21?
Q:
Yes.
A: That seems a bit risky, wouldn't you want a doula to be somewhat experienced in child birthing?
Q:
Are we really discussing your opinion of the age limitations for a doula?
A: You brought it up...
Q:
Do you serve food?
A: Yes.
Q:
Do you take credit cards?
A: Yes.
Q:
Do you take reservations for tables?
A: No.
Q:
Why don't you have more tables?
A: We're not allowed by fire marshall.
Q:
But don't you need the space for dancing?
A: We know. Not our call.
Q:
Do you pre-sell tickets to shows?
A: Sometimes, will be noted on the calendar or HERE
Q:
Do you have a phone?
A: Not really. But we are fast on EMAIL.
Q:
If a show on the calendar doesn't have "Tickets Available HERE" or something similar next to it, should I call, email, or come by
the hotel cafe to get tickets for a show that is 3 weeks away?
A: No.
Q:
If a show says SOLD OUT next to it, does that mean I should email or come by to ask how to buy tickets?
A: No.
Q:
If I send you a package, can i use Fed Ex or UPS?
A: No.
Q:
Regular mail?
A: Yes.
Q:
Where can I park when I come to The Hotel Café?
A: Paid parking is available in 2 fairly convenient lots. One just behind the Hotel
Cafe and 1 about a ½ block North on the same side of the street.
Other lots in the neighborhood are available. Follow signs that say "Parking". Street Parking is also available, but limited. Or go HERE
Q:
I’m playing tonight, where do I park?
A: See above.
Q:
I’m playing tonight, where do I load in?
A: Load in through the back door in the alley. Temporary Parking (while loading in) is available in the alley.
Q:
I am playing tonight, can my guest list be 50 people?
A: No.
Q:
30 people?
A: No.
Q:
15?
A: Yes.
Q:
I’m not on the list, but I am *insert industry related job title
here*, can I get in for free?
A: No.
Q:
What if I give you my card?
A: No.
Q:
It’s a nice card…
A: Yes it is.
Q:
It’s got rounded edges…
A: Yes, I see... Very impressive... Is that ebossed text?
Q: Wait, I thought I was asking the questions?
A: Just saying... Embossed text makes for a decent card.
Q:
So, how about it then?
A: No.
Q:
Your website is boring.
A: Yes?
Q:
I have this web design company, we...
A: No.
Q:
You want your website to be boring?
A: Yes.
Q:
Why?
A: Bells and whistles are overrated & flash still doesnt work on Iphones.
Q:
I have a Blackberry.
A: What is a blackberry?
Q:
Can I bring in my own beer or wine?
A: No.
Q:
What kind of beer do you have?
A: A Bunch...
Q:
What kind of reds do you have?
A: A Bunch...
Q:
Whites?
A: Yes..
Q:
Can I get a Vodka Cranberry then?
A: YES. Yes you can.
Q:
Can I book bands for you?
A: No.
Q: My friend has a six year old that she'd like to get into the show...
A: No.
Q:
Is this thing on?
A: Yes.
Q:
Is the plexi-glass around the soundboard bullet proof?
A: No.
Q:
So, I do this comedy act…
A: No.
Q:
Abrah Cadab…
A: No.
Q:
Do you have a problem with comedians or magicians?
A: No.
Q:
I see on the calendar that you have a few TBAs. Can I have the one on
the 15th?
A: No.
Q:
The one on the 23rd?
A: No.
Q:
Any of them?
A: No.
Q:
So, I am from Saskatoon Dink, Canada, and I don’t know anyone in
LA, and no one knows me. Can I have a headlining spot at The Hotel Cafe?
A: No.
Q:
Can I have a residency?
A: No.
Q:
Please?
A: No.
Q:
Can I be on the tour?
A: No.
Q:
Is The Hotel Cafe Tour ever coming back?
A: One day.
Q:
Is there a Hotel Cafe record label?
A: Sort of.
Q:
Wow, is that central air I feel?
A: YES it is..
Q:
Can I play with a Marshall Half Stack?
A: No.
Q:
What if I turn it down?
A: No.
Q:
But it doesn’t sound right unless it’s really loud.
A: No.
Q:
How about this smaller amp that is more suitable for the size of the room?
A: Yes.
Q:
I have in ear monitors, and...
A: No.
Q:
Why?
A: We are not Staples Center.
Q:
Do you have a piano?
A: Yes.
Q:
Is the piano tuned?
A: YES! :)
Q:
Do you have an extra 9 volt battery?
A: No,.
Q:
Can I shoot a movie at The Hotel Cafe?
A: Yes. Click HERE for more info..
Q:
Can I smoke in The Hotel Café?
A: No.
Q:
Is this The Burgundy Room?
A: No.
Q:
Is this The Room?
A: No.
Q:
Do you rent rooms by the week?
A: No.
Q:
Can I rent a room?
A: No.
Q:
Is this even a Hotel?
A: No.
Q:
Can you give my CD to Nic Harcourt?
A: No.
Q:
Can I have Gary Jules’ phone number?
A: No.
Q:
Is Max or Marko here?
A: They might be.
Q:
I don’t have a demo or any music online for you to hear, but I’m really good, can you book me?
A: No.
Q:
I can play a little right now, sort of an audition...
A: No.
Q:
Do you have an open mic night?
A: No.
Q:
You should.
A: No.
Q:
Can I send you my EPK?
A: No.
Q:
Why?
A: EPKs are so 2001.
Q:
I am a music reviewer for an online magazine you've never heard of.
We get 150 unique hits per day... I don't have a business card, but
I would appreciate being on the "House List" every night to
photo-review acts that preform at...
A: No.
Q:
But I have a camera.
A: So do I.
Q:
Do you allow filming in the Hotel Cafe?
A: No.
Q:
But i work for *insert pop culture-content whoring giant coorporation here* and we'd be sure to...
A: No...
Q:
Why?
A: A few reasons. Becasue everyone asks, and we can't allow some and not everyone. Because Youtube video quality sucks... Because 30 people holding their damn cell phones in the air blocking everyone elses view of the stage is somewhat annoying... And because live shows are special. Watching them in a 2x3 inch box on Facebook with tiny little computer speakers crackling out tunes makes them less special..,
Q: So, should i call or email to ask if you could make an exception and allow me or my sister's friends boyfriend who's a great videographer film my show next week?
A: No.
Q:
That seems harsh...
A: That's not a question.
Q:
I run an online music site you've never heard of, and we believe your
venue would benefit greatly from advertising on our site, which stresses
the importance of DIY music. Our ad rates start at...
A: No.
Q:
Do you run ads anywhere?
A: No.
Q:
Have you ever run an ad?
A: No.
Q:
Why not?
A: Because no one reads newspapers or clicks on web ads.
Q:
That's sad.
A: It is.
Q:
I am playing tonight, can my girlfriend and all of her friends drink
for free?
A: No.
Q:
I played tonight, and brought 3 people to see me. Do I get Paid?
A: No.
Q:
Does this beer taste funny to you?
A: No.
Q:
Is a Stella Artois glass smaller than a pint glass?
A: No.
Q:
It looks smaller?
A: Yes it does.
Q:
Why is that?
A: Physics.
Q:
Can I have a job?
A: No.
Q:
How about I just leave my resume?
A: No.
Q:
What happened to the pool table?
A: It’s gone.
Q:
Do you still have the open jazz jam?
A: No.
Q:
Why?
A: Because no one in LA appreciates jazz.
Q:
That’s also sad.
A: Yes it is.
Q:
I have a question that apparently is not frequently asked. What do I do?
A: Click HERE.
Q:
Do you take yourselves seriously?
A: Of course not...